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Anti Baggage


Keep your baggage off our doorstep!

Join Info Friends Archive Maintainer “The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.”
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New Member [
June 6, 2006

[ mood | worried ]

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to say Thank You Thank You. I believe I have found a community where I can let all my steam & frustrations out.

For a while now, I thought I was the only one in this sticky situation. I know all our situations are different but I feel we can all relate in some way or another.

Since I can't talk to my significant other (SO) about my "true hidden" feelings about the "child" I will talk to ya'll.

If I could ask my SO questions, what would it be?

1. Why do you have to call your "child" every single day? I know your "child" lives in an another state but .. every single day?

2. You told me that you will forever be thankful for your "ex" because the ex has given you something worth more to you than anything else in this world. You say that doesn't mean you still love your ex but let me ask, if given that second chance would you take it? remember now, you will forever be thankful for that special gift your ex has given you

3. What really happened between the two of you. What was the big season finale you two ended the relationship, especially since you both just had a "child".

4. When you call your child each day & the ex comes on the line, do you think of your past?

5. Do you call your child each & every day to see what the child & ex are doing, have done, have eaten for dinner, are watching, or plan & simple done throughout their day? Do you sometimes put yourself there with them as your child tells you what they & ex have done?

Ok that was a little more than 5 questions. But do you see how my mind is constantly wondering these crazy thoughts? Every single day.

I'll end for now cause I could go on and on...

Once again, thank you for the support & advice. I can't wait to develop friendships, especially from people who can actually "relate" with what I'm going through.

Muchos Gracias!

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Adoption Update! [
February 3, 2006

[ mood | ecstatic ]

For the most part, it's over and done with! It wasn't even as involved as we both though it would be. Basically, all that happened was a lawyer made an appointment with John today. They met up, John looked over the brief paper work, lawyer lady asked if John had any questions (he didn't), John signed the paper, and that was that!

I asked John if the paperwork said anything about back-child support, he said "No" and was confident that if Sally wanted money the paperwork would have said so. I wish he would have asked the lawyer at least some questions just to make sure, but I'm sure everything is okay, though.

So, all we're waiting for is the judge to sign the paperwork and then it's completely done.

The nightmare is over!

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January 6, 2006


The following is the *truth* about non-custodial childless women with step-baggage such as myself.

We are special. We are generous, giving women.

We are likely to be giving up some of our premarital standard of living
(on the other hand, Divorced biological mothers tend to increase their standard of living when they marry).

We don't have the barometer of our own children or sometimes any previous experience to measure by (resulting in total confusion. “Why me? Why this punishment I am receiving?”)

If we complain about the kids we are instantly put in the wicked-stepmother category not only by people who don't know us but sometimes by our own friends and family who say 'you knew he had kids when you married him'.

We have the whole childlessness issue to deal with - alone.

Some of us want children but can't have them
Grieving childlessness happens throughout a lifetime for women who want to have children and can't. Many of us have to do it over and over, peeling off another layer of the onion at each milestone in our lives or sometimes unexpectedly when a relative announces her pregnancy or the women at work start exchanging childbirth stories. Doing this while married to a parent doesn't make it easier. For many of us, it can be experienced as almost inhumane. Especially difficult seems to be the case when we marry a father who doesn't want any more and refuses to have any more. We may respond in kind, wondering how a man who claims to love us could deny us something that so painfully seems to be necessary to our identity and fulfilment.

We have to cope with everyday sadness that we can NEVER have a 'normal family' in the way we had always envisioned.

We may have to live with the fact that we cannot give our partners a very substantial gift that another woman has, which ties her to him and to us for possibly a lifetime.
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new here [
December 3, 2005

how cool to find this place. new here. engaged to a wonderful guy who happens to have a horrible ex and a fairly bratty kid.

no doubts that I want to marry this man. many worries about dealing with the baggage of the ex(tortionist) and the crotch-fruit.

boy it's good to know this group exists.

that's it for now.

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new here [
December 3, 2005

how cool to find this place. new here. engaged to a wonderful guy who happens to have a horrible ex and a fairly bratty kid.

no doubts that I want to marry this man. many worries about dealing with the baggage of the ex(tortionist) and the crotch-fruit.

boy it's good to know this group exists.

that's it for now.

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Slowly but surely [
October 25, 2005

Well, Sally's lawyer called John this morning, wanting to chat about the surrender of parental rights. All John has to do is sign a few papers in front of a judge and that'll be the end of that! The only bump is that John might have to go back to his home-state to sign the papers, which will suck for a few days but I'll live. All-in-all, things are still smoothly progressing.
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Set your recorders! [
October 24, 2005

At last a program that dispells the myths that parenthood is perfect and blissful is being shown tonight. It's on channel 5 in the UK at 9pm and it's called Having a Baby ruined our lives. The ad for it shows parents saying how they hate their children and wished they'd never had them before.
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Open Letter To The "Step" [
October 21, 2005

[ mood | leave us alone, plzkthx ]

Dear Current Partner of My Ex-Partner,

I am a single parent who has sole custody of a small child. My former partner plays little to no part in my child's life (and never has), though occasionally he/she will butt his/her head in and try to take part in my child's life.

Keep my ex-partner occupied and away from my child, please.

I do not want you or my ex-partner to play any part in my child's life. I am now remarried and we have a happy family. Your partner's selfish desire to have a half-hearted relationship with my child does nothing but continue to hurt my child and disrupt his/her life, not to mention put strain on your relationship. My spouse provides better care than my ex ever has and we are more than fine on our own. My child is being more hurt by the little scraps of attention my ex throws his/her way sporadically. It would be best for all of us if contact was severed permanently.

For the sake of everyone, get my ex-partner to sign away all of his/her parental rights. I know this will be difficult as my ex sees our child as a possession, but I hope your influence will break this. I do not want child support. I do not want any sort of contact whatsoever. I know you don't want to be a part of my child's life and I don't want to have to worry about how that will affect my child. Trust me, I don't want to have ANYTHING to do with your partner/my ex OR want either of you to have ANYTHING to do with my child. Don't worry about us ever bothering you, either. Should my child ever get that urge to reconnect, counseling will be in order and I suggest you get a restraining order against my child when he/she turns 18 just in case he/she should ever seek you.

You can have my ex- all of him/her- 100%. Get my ex to drop the baggage- really it's best for all of us in the long-term.


The Parent of Your Partner's Child

(P.S.- I think what you are doing here is bloody brilliant! More women should be angry about their partners having children and should put their foot down that the partner should cut the child out of their lives. It is best for everyone!!!!)

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Guy with step-kids on this forum: [
September 27, 2005

I'm a little frustrated because I was trying to find a thread on this forum of a conversation I was having with a dad about his two step-children. Apparently they keep playing with fire and the only thing the parents could think of to do was ground the kids. For some reason, I couldn't get it out of my head to tell him to take them to the local firestation. You can call them up and explain that your children need to learn about fire safety because they are not getting the message, and they will allow you to bring the children by and give them a lecture. Children respond well to authority like that and it's much more sensible to teach them a lesson than to ground them, which only makes them more resentful.

And, YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB! It's so hard to have step-children and I commend you for wanting to find a solution.

For everyone else, I guess it's just a helpful tip:)
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I posted to another response(I hope this is not considered offensive) [
September 8, 2005

[ mood | aggravated ]

Hi, I am very new to this, and i responded to another post, but, I wanted to share my story about my situation. I am a step parent, and I also have my own biological children too, so my husband is a step parent too. I am going to copy and paste my earlier post if that is ok from an earlier post I replied to if that is ok..
Well, I guess you would have to understand each and everyones situation.. not everyone has little children like you may think.. My husband has children from a previous marrage, and though they are my step children, they are OLDER children.. and let me tell ya, i have bent over backwards to do what I can to help as much as I can, only to be treated with disrespect, and all that from both the TEEN and the mother.. alcohol and drugs were brought into my home and used, of course now the TEEN, not child is not allowed into my home without his father being here.. i will not allow it.. my undergarments were found in his room only to be found they were used for his PLEASURE,as well as my daughters garments.. if you know what I mean.. money was stolen out of my purse..hard core porn movies, so, not all family have innocent nice, children..15 at the time..16 now.. this teen is now in counseling, and we are trying to do what is best. I have tried my best to do what I can, and the mother could care less if we are involved in his counsling or not.. he has unhealthy behavior obviously, and I do not want him around my children with his perverted behavior.. what if he should molest one of them?? after finding out he stole my undergarments, and my daughters, and did inappropriate things with them, who is to know??? now the other stepson, is much different.. it is very odd.. he is very respectful, and we get along fine. I personally think that the younger one has much deeper problems and needs some major counseling.. I myself went to a counseler and she told me it is over and beyond normal male curiousity to do some of the things he has done.(experimenting is one thing, but the undergment thing, is going over and beyond..)
Anyway.. this is what I have been dealing with, and it has been somewhat stressful, although, we are working in it together the best we know how to.. The trust issues are null and void with me, seems he has broken all trust with me.. If this had been my own son, he would have been dealt with much differently, that is for sure. But with divorce, it can be so hard for parents to agree on what to do in these sort of situations when one parent will not DO SOMETHING!!

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August 16, 2005

[ mood | bitchy ]

From my journal today:

Disclaimer: I have been acting the devil's advocate since the day I came into this world. I take no responsibility for the use of "I", "You" or "Them" that may be confusing. I take no responsibility for the emotional consequences of the following post. The use of "I", "You" or "Them" may or may not be used in a personal context, a general context or a specific context. I may or may not be speaking the entire truth or telling the entire story. This is a brief minute in my day and what is going on in my mind in that brief minute.


K's ex-wife Gwen, the boys' "Mom", called last night for probably the 5th time between last and this week. This time she wanted more money. Money for keeping her electricity and water on. Money she is practically BLACKMAILING k for, because she KNOWS he would never allow the boys to stay there under those conditions. And we are leaving for Canada on the 27th. How friggin convenient.

That bitch is so fucked up it's not even funny. And pardon my language, but this is almost turning into a rant session. When I think of how she's sitting up there partying all the time and making up excuses why she can't see the boys or why she can't afford to come down or asking k for money, it just infuriates me because here I am busting my ass every day making sure they are well fed and loved, etcetcetc and nobody PAYS me for that priviledge! I can see why so many women consider their partner's children to be "baggage", and it is, to an extent. Nobody would think twice if someone said, "my boyfriend has too much emotional baggage, like he constantly looks at other women and leaves socks on the floor", but if someone said, "my boyfriend has two kids who piss on the floor, eat all our food and hog all my partner's time", people would freak out. But nobody wants all of this responsibility or the heaviness of knowing that if I want HIM, I have to want THEM and that I HAVE to shit or get off the pot and not just in that cute, "I wonder if we'd make a good match", way but in the "WE'D BETTER BE A GOOD MATCH BECAUSE THIS COULD FUCK THE KIDS UP FOR LIFE IF IT DOESN'T!!!!" kinda way.

Whatever the case, my point is that I stay out of his business as far as whatever he chooses to do, but I damned well told him not to give her any money. They are divorced now and he doesn't owe her jack SHIT. She, however, should be paying ME to take care of HER kids which SHE abandoned so SHE could be "independent".

It's a good thing those kids are super cute, that's for sure.

/end rant

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Triggers [
July 31, 2005

Hi everyone.

I’m here for a semi-rant. I don’t expect anyone to understand or show empathy with me, I’m just posting this in a safe space to get some stuff off my chest.

Until I met my partner, baggage really wasn’t an issue with me. I’ve never dated anyone with a kid before and it wasn’t something I had to think about. But now my world has turned in new directions. I’m not sure if I like them.

I’m finding myself being triggered in new and profoundly intense ways.

For those who aren’t familiar with my situation, my partner has a kid from a previous relationship. They lived in the states for a few years before his (bitch alcoholic) wife cheated on him and later married another man. She didn’t want him in their lives so he came back to England - and met me.

He has no contact with his son. He has tried to send letters but has heard nothing back. I plan on marrying my partner but I know it is only a matter of time before his kid turns up on the doorstep. His kid - a constant reminder of his ex. NOT a vision I find easy to cope with.

When the phone rings - I jump. I panic. Could it be his baggage? When there’s a knock at the door I panic. Could it be his baggage? When he received a letter through the post - I panic. Could it be his baggage?

Those triggers are intense and confusing to me.

Furthermore, I know what his kid looks like. So whenever I see a boy with dark hair I get an intense pounding feeling. A constant reminder. Whether I’m at the shops or watching TV. Triggers are everywhere.

Whenever I see a mushy father-son story on TV or an advert, it feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Adrenalin starts to pump through my body. I feel dizzy. I feel scared. I feel depressed. It’s very intense and there’s no escaping it. Every day I am plagued with this.

Before you say, I know I should see a counsellor. I wonder what a professional would make of this? It is certainly scaring me.
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Anti-baggage: Extreme and loving it! [
July 26, 2005

Because we don't think like everyone else this makes us extreme and socially unacceptable. Well tosh! I'm sure feminism seemed extreme 50 years ago! It takes a few extreme individuals to start a revolution! And just cause we don't want to be mummies or friends to our partners baggage, doesn't mean we arn't entitled to our opinions and beliefs!

Apparently we're so extreme, we're famous! I was talking in a totally unrelated community today when an LJer said:

"Didn't you know? You've been the subject of quite a few frenzied postings on parenting communities all around the 'net. There are links on several off-LJ sites I read occasionally, having a spawn of my own, and after reading more than one person screaming for your forced sterilization I had to go see for myself the community and person creating such an uproar. Bleh. I was hoping for some creature with horns and fangs, and you've sadly disappointed. :p "

Viva La Revolution!

How's life girls?
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Misinterpretations [
July 23, 2005

[ mood | Feeling fine ]

The whole flamewar we had recently makes a lot of sense now. The uproar I provoked by this post seems to be based on the idea that I would hurt a child. This notion is further illuminated by this remark:

I guess it makes me sad that someone could be so selfish that they are willing to push away a child just so she could have a man all to herself.

Yes it does appear selfish, and I am the first to admit I am emotionally confused and hurting at the moment. However when his baggage does eventually show up, he will be a man, not a child. I DON'T hurt children, I never will, and I think that is something a lot of people misinterpreted.

P.S. Keep up with those ideas for community rules! ;)

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July 22, 2005

I stumbled onto this community as well as childfree because of the uproar english_peach caused.

I agree with nowritinghere wholeheartedly. I have two children of my own and I am also a stepchild. Although I have in common one thing with english_peach, which happens to be not wanting to be a step parent. I have been able to avoid it by not becoming involved with someone with kids. I always figured it was that simple, you know? My tolerance level for other people's children is very, very low that I actually agree with a lot of things that the childfree members express, as sad as that might be.

Perhaps being a rejected stepchild, a lot of what has been said in these posts have reeked of what I experienced as a child that was unwanted by my stepmom, is what compelled me to respond. I guess it makes me sad that someone could be so selfish that they are willing to push away a child just so she could have a man all to herself. I looked at my boys and thought to myself how sad it would be if my BF felt the same way as this one person, how a grown person could feel so threatened by a child. All of the comments I've read have put my ideas into perspective and I've come to the conclusion that Miss english_peach really has some issues that she needs to deal with if she wants her relationship to work successfully, with out manipulation.

No, I'm not going to bash anyone, even though I wanted to in the very beginning. But I really, really hope that anyone that thinks it's ok to manipulate, to push away, to reject a child openly (or privately) because they want to be a partner with the parent of said child that they will step back and look at the damage they will do. Children are a lot more in tune to adults than one might think and I can tell you right now that my stepmother's actions were quite subtle, but I got it. Unfortunately for me and my boys, she got her way. I have only spoken to my father once in seven years and that was because of an accidental bumping into eachother at a local store. I have zero respect for my father and even less than that for her. Perhaps that is something else that should be considered the next time you dread the child visiting, or even when you vent these thoughts as well.

It's just my two cents, and no, I'm not here for a flame war or to troll your forum. I just couldn't remain silent any longer.
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New Community Rules [
July 22, 2005

[ mood | curious ]

Hello everyone.

As we are a controversial community I think it may be a good idea to enforce a few guidelines to ensure discussion runs smoothly.

Do you guys have any ideas for community rules? After all, this is YOUR community :)

I have already adjusted the community settings so only members can post AND comment. I have also made that ‘contentious’ post of mine friends-only so trolls don’t become attracted.

Let me know your ideas for new community rules and I shall put them in the user info ;)


Peach xxx

EDIT: Edited to add this message from another LJer:

"I wanted to let you know that the reason why so many ladies where freaking out in mybabydaddy was because you posted about your communtiy to a group of moms who have to deal with the man leaving or something for another girl, and then they are alone...That is why you were getting yelled at."

Which makes a lot of sense now. Perhaps rule #1 "No baby mama drama"

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Just Wanted To Say... [
July 21, 2005

I am joining simply to say this. I am a step parent and a full time step parent to one step child while the other lives with their mother. Before I go on.....true, I can ignore this community, yes you have the right to have what ever community you want, and I might be crossing a line and if you feel I am well sorry...don't worry I'm not staying...

In looking at this community to see what it is about I read this in the userinfo...

"Just because you love your partner doesn’t mean you have to love his brats. They are NOT your responsibility."

Now I'm going to share my opinion and if you don't like you of coures have every right to delete it and move on. But I want to share with this community how false that statement is.

It is never the child's fault when a divorce occurs and as a result every child has issues they must deal with at some point in life. Some more severe than others dependant on the situation and the personality of the child. And that is reason enough for anyone one to take it very seriously before getting in a relationship with anyone who has children. YOU MUST HAVE A DESIRE TO PARENT AND TO CO-PARENT THAT SPECIFIC CHILD BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR PARENT.

The statement that I quoted in your userinfo is a lie, it is very untruthful and I only hope that no one in this world believes that. That child is apart of your partner and you can't love that person with out loving their child. It's impossible and its a relationship that will never survive in a healthy manner. And forget about yourself and forget your partner, this is a child. An innocent child that you probably don't even know and you automaticaly think of this child as baggage as something you should have no responsiblity for, no caring for, no parenting for. That concept is not even logical.

It hurts deeply to think that their are adults in this world who would think this type of thought is normal. It isn't. It's horrible and makes me very sad. I'm not trying to judge any of you, some of you might have had horrible step parents as children and who knows what your really going on in your life and I KNOW HOW HARD STEP PARENTING CAN BE! And I know what it's like to be rejected b/c I'm not "mom". But it will only get harder and only be worse on you to stay in that relationship when you don't have a desire for that child. If I did not have a desire for my step children and their father, I would have left a long time ago. You have to have that desire for that child before you get in the relationship.

And honestly I myself would not want to be in a relationship with someone who would allow their new partner to have these feelings about their child. I hope that I have not pissed anyone off or caused a big fuss, but I wanted to share this and I hope it shows some truth to some people if not all people in this community. I can only hope that at some point in my life I am able to change the face of step parenting in our society so that more adults do not have this concept. If you have the thoughts that are in this userinfo you are hurting that child, your partner, and your self.

EDIT: I'm not trying to hurt anyone because hurting doesn't solve anything, but I had to share my feelings... I only want people to understand that divorced children have enough hard times in their lives and you should be entering their lives to help make it better. To offer healing and to offer a complete blended family of support and love. It is hard to be a single parent and I took it as an honor to help my husband and his ex wife and her husband raise both my step children.
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Depressed [
July 21, 2005

[ mood | depressed ]

I'm so depressed. I created this community for mutual support and understanding. But all I got was this..

Are all other areas of your life so empty an meaningless that you have to make yourself feel better this way?
Why ARE you so insecure?
Is it because deep down you realize how truly worthless you are that all you have to offer is nothing more than the foul twat between your legs?
Are you such a repulsive beast that you have to have a baby to trap a man?
How uninteresting and ugly can you be?
I hope your ovaries rot so to spare the world of your defective DNA.
Better yet you should just slit your wrists now and stop breathing my air.
No one could ever love you, you don’t know what love is. With this mentality you never will.
I hope your boyfriend's child guts you with a machete when she stumbles across this journal floating in cyberspace.
Why are you so anxious about the EX being around?
Is it because she shares something special with your boyfriend that will bond them for the rest of their lives and you could never be a part of? You can't control it, you can't touch it? You'll never compare? (and you won't)
Or is it that you think that someday he may go back to her because of Their child?
It's possible.
I'm sure he'd cheat on you, I mean ... Look at you!
Now tell me, When you have the kid and your boyfriend still sees his ex and cheats on you and eventually leaves you as he will. Will you poison your child to make it sick so you can revel in the attention and sympathy you'd get?
Just strikes me as the sort of thing a warped fuck such as yourself would do.

This is so true:

Is it because she shares something special with your boyfriend that will bond them for the rest of their lives and you could never be a part of? You can't control it, you can't touch it? You'll never compare? (and you won't)

I feel dead inside :,(

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What can a kid do? [
July 19, 2005

Hi, my name is Niomi. I'm a teenager living with my 50some single father. He did date at one time (I was ten or eleven) but it didn't go well, partly because I was jealous when she spent nights at our condo. I'd like to see my father be happy. What can I do to avoid driving my father's dates up the wall, should he begin dating again?
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July 19, 2005

[ mood | sad ]

How do you folks cope with being 2nd best? Throughout my deep personal relationships, I have always put my partner first, his needs have always been paramount. He has been more important than my mother or father, and usually it has been mutual. I think this is healthy in serious relationships. However when you date someone with kid baggage, you know your needs will never be paramount.

So, while his needs are always the most important thing in your heart, your needs come somewhere way down the line after his child’s.

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